Though she looked steadily at me, I saw that she was ratherconfused. Estella, pausing a moment in her knitting with her eyesupon me, and then going on, I fancied that I read in the action ofher fingers, as plainly as if she had told me in the dumb alphabet,that she perceived I had discovered my real benefactor.

"Miss Havisham," said I, "I went to Richmond yesterday, to speak toEstella; and finding that some wind had blown her here, Ifollowed."

Miss Havisham motioning to me for the third or fourth time to sitdown, I took the chair by the dressing-table, which I had oftenseen her occupy. With all that ruin at my feet and about me, itseemed a natural place for me, that day.

"What I had to say to Estella, Miss Havisham, I will say beforeyou, presently - in a few moments. It will not surprise you, itwill not displease you. I am as unhappy as you can ever have meantme to be."

Miss Havisham continued to look steadily at me. I could see in theaction of Estella's fingers as they worked, that she attended towhat I said: but she did not look up.

"I have found out who my patron is. It is not a fortunatediscovery, and is not likely ever to enrich me in reputation,station, fortune, anything. There are reasons why I must say nomore of that. It is not my secret, but another's."

As I was silent for a while, looking at Estella and considering howto go on, Miss Havisham repeated, "It is not your secret, butanother's. Well?"

"When you first caused me to be brought here, Miss Havisham; when Ibelonged to the village over yonder, that I wish I had never left;I suppose I did really come here, as any other chance boy mighthave come - as a kind of servant, to gratify a want or a whim, andto be paid for it?"

"Ay, Pip," replied Miss Havisham, steadily nodding her head; "youdid."

"And that Mr. Jaggers--"

"Mr. Jaggers," said Miss Havisham, taking me up in a firm tone, "hadnothing to do with it, and knew nothing of it. His being my lawyer,and his being the lawyer of your patron, is a coincidence. He holdsthe same relation towards numbers of people, and it might easilyarise. Be that as it may, it did arise, and was not brought aboutby any one."

Any one might have seen in her haggard face that there was nosuppression or evasion so far.

"But when I fell into the mistake I have so long remained in, atleast you led me on?" said I.

"Yes," she returned, again nodding, steadily, "I let you go on."

"Was that kind?"

"Who am I," cried Miss Havisham, striking her stick upon the floorand flashing into wrath so suddenly that Estella glanced up at herin surprise, "who am I, for God's sake, that I should be kind?"

It was a weak complaint to have made, and I had not meant to makeit. I told her so, as she sat brooding after this outburst.

"Well, well, well!" she said. "What else?"

"I was liberally paid for my old attendance here," I said, tosoothe her, "in being apprenticed, and I have asked these questionsonly for my own information. What follows has another (and I hopemore disinterested) purpose. In humouring my mistake, MissHavisham, you punished - practised on - perhaps you will supplywhatever term expresses your intention, without offence - yourself-seeking relations?"

"I did. Why, they would have it so! So would you. What has been myhistory, that I should be at the pains of entreating either them,or you, not to have it so! You made your own snares. I never madethem."

Waiting until she was quiet again - for this, too, flashed out ofher in a wild and sudden way - I went on.

"I have been thrown among one family of your relations, MissHavisham, and have been constantly among them since I went toLondon. I know them to have been as honestly under my delusion as Imyself. And I should be false and base if I did not tell you,whether it is acceptable to you or no, and whether you are inclinedto give credence to it or no, that you deeply wrong both Mr. MatthewPocket and his son Herbert, if you suppose them to be otherwisethan generous, upright, open, and incapable of anything designingor mean."

"They are your friends," said Miss Havisham.

"They made themselves my friends," said I, "when they supposed meto have superseded them; and when Sarah Pocket, Miss Georgiana, andMistress Camilla, were not my friends, I think."

This contrasting of them with the rest seemed, I was glad to see,to do them good with her. She looked at me keenly for a littlewhile, and then said quietly:

"What do you want for them?"

"Only," said I, "that you would not confound them with the others.They may be of the same blood, but, believe me, they are not of thesame nature."

Still looking at me keenly, Miss Havisham repeated:

"What do you want for them?"

"I am not so cunning, you see," I said, in answer, conscious that Ireddened a little, "as that I could hide from you, even if Idesired, that I do want something. Miss Havisham, if you wouldspare the money to do my friend Herbert a lasting service in life,but which from the nature of the case must be done without hisknowledge, I could show you how."

"Why must it be done without his knowledge?" she asked, settlingher hands upon her stick, that she might regard me the moreattentively.

"Because," said I, "I began the service myself, more than two yearsago, without his knowledge, and I don't want to be betrayed. Why Ifail in my ability to finish it, I cannot explain. It is a part ofthe secret which is another person's and not mine."

She gradually withdrew her eyes from me, and turned them on thefire. After watching it for what appeared in the silence and by thelight of the slowly wasting candles to be a long time, she wasroused by the collapse of some of the red coals, and looked towardsme again - at first, vacantly - then, with a graduallyconcentrating attention. All this time, Estella knitted on. WhenMiss Havisham had fixed her attention on me, she said, speaking asif there had been no lapse in our dialogue:

"What else?"

"Estella," said I, turning to her now, and trying to command mytrembling voice, "you know I love you. You know that I have lovedyou long and dearly."

She raised her eyes to my face, on being thus addressed, and herfingers plied their work, and she looked at me with an unmovedcountenance. I saw that Miss Havisham glanced from me to her, andfrom her to me.

"I should have said this sooner, but for my long mistake. Itinduced me to hope that Miss Havisham meant us for one another.While I thought you could not help yourself, as it were, Irefrained from saying it. But I must say it now."

Preserving her unmoved countenance, and with her fingers stillgoing, Estella shook her head.

"I know," said I, in answer to that action; "I know. I have no hopethat I shall ever call you mine, Estella. I am ignorant what maybecome of me very soon, how poor I may be, or where I may go.Still, I love you. I have loved you ever since I first saw you inthis house."

Looking at me perfectly unmoved and with her fingers busy, sheshook her head again.

"It would have been cruel in Miss Havisham, horribly cruel, topractise on the susceptibility of a poor boy, and to torture methrough all these years with a vain hope and an idle pursuit, ifshe had reflected on the gravity of what she did. But I think shedid not. I think that in the endurance of her own trial, she forgotmine, Estella."

I saw Miss Havisham put her hand to her heart and hold it there, asshe sat looking by turns at Estella and at me.

"It seems," said Estella, very calmly, "that there are sentiments,fancies - I don't know how to call them - which I am not able tocomprehend. When you say you love me, I know what you mean, as aform of words; but nothing more. You address nothing in my breast,you touch nothing there. I don't care for what you say at all. Ihave tried to warn you of this; now, have I not?"

I said in a miserable manner, "Yes."

"Yes. But you would not be warned, for you thought I did not meanit. Now, did you not think so?"

"I thought and hoped you could not mean it. You, so young, untried,and beautiful, Estella! Surely it is not in Nature."

"It is in my nature," she returned. And then she added, with astress upon the words, "It is in the nature formed within me. Imake a great difference between you and all other people when I sayso much. I can do no more."

"Is it not true," said I, "that Bentley Drummle is in town here,and pursuing you?"

"It is quite true," she replied, referring to him with theindifference of utter contempt.

"That you encourage him, and ride out with him, and that he dineswith you this very day?"

She seemed a little surprised that I should know it, but againreplied, "Quite true."

"You cannot love him, Estella!"

Her fingers stopped for the first time, as she retorted ratherangrily, "What have I told you? Do you still think, in spite of it,that I do not mean what I say?"

"You would never marry him, Estella?"

She looked towards Miss Havisham, and considered for a moment withher work in her hands. Then she said, "Why not tell you the truth?I am going to be married to him."

I dropped my face into my hands, but was able to control myselfbetter than I could have expected, considering what agony it gaveme to hear her say those words. When I raised my face again, therewas such a ghastly look upon Miss Havisham's, that it impressed me,even in my passionate hurry and grief.

"Estella, dearest dearest Estella, do not let Miss Havisham leadyou into this fatal step. Put me aside for ever - you have done so,I well know - but bestow yourself on some worthier person thanDrummle. Miss Havisham gives you to him, as the greatest slight andinjury that could be done to the many far better men who admireyou, and to the few who truly love you. Among those few, there maybe one who loves you even as dearly, though he has not loved you aslong, as I. Take him, and I can bear it better, for your sake!"

My earnestness awoke a wonder in her that seemed as if it wouldhave been touched with compassion, if she could have rendered me atall intelligible to her own mind.

"I am going," she said again, in a gentler voice, "to be married tohim. The preparations for my marriage are making, and I shall bemarried soon. Why do you injuriously introduce the name of mymother by adoption? It is my own act."

"Your own act, Estella, to fling yourself away upon a brute?"

"On whom should I fling myself away?" she retorted, with a smile."Should I fling myself away upon the man who would the soonest feel(if people do feel such things) that I took nothing to him? There!It is done. I shall do well enough, and so will my husband. As toleading me into what you call this fatal step, Miss Havisham wouldhave had me wait, and not marry yet; but I am tired of the life Ihave led, which has very few charms for me, and I am willing enoughto change it. Say no more. We shall never understand each other."

"Such a mean brute, such a stupid brute!" I urged in despair.

"Don't be afraid of my being a blessing to him," said Estella; "Ishall not be that. Come! Here is my hand. Do we part on this, youvisionary boy - or man?"

"O Estella!" I answered, as my bitter tears fell fast on her hand,do what I would to restrain them; "even if I remained in Englandand could hold my head up with the rest, how could I see youDrummle's wife?"

"Nonsense," she returned, "nonsense. This will pass in no time."

"Never, Estella!"

"You will get me out of your thoughts in a week."

"Out of my thoughts! You are part of my existence, part of myself.You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first camehere, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then.You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since - on theriver, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, inthe light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea,in the streets. You have been the embodiment of every gracefulfancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones ofwhich the strongest London buildings are made, are not more real,or more impossible to be displaced by your hands, than yourpresence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere, andwill be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choosebut remain part of my character, part of the little good in me,part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only withthe good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for youmust have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now whatsharp distress I may. O God bless you, God forgive you!"

In what ecstasy of unhappiness I got these broken words out ofmyself, I don't know. The rhapsody welled up within me, like bloodfrom an inward wound, and gushed out. I held her hand to my lipssome lingering moments, and so I left her. But ever afterwards, Iremembered - and soon afterwards with stronger reason - that whileEstella looked at me merely with incredulous wonder, the spectralfigure of Miss Havisham, her hand still covering her heart, seemedall resolved into a ghastly stare of pity and remorse.

All done, all gone! So much was done and gone, that when I went outat the gate, the light of the day seemed of a darker colour thanwhen I went in. For a while, I hid myself among some lanes andby-paths, and then struck off to walk all the way to London. For, Ihad by that time come to myself so far, as to consider that I couldnot go back to the inn and see Drummle there; that I could not bearto sit upon the coach and be spoken to; that I could do nothinghalf so good for myself as tire myself out.

Title: Great Expectations
Author: Charles Dickens
Viewed 221108 times

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