By these approaches we arrived at unrestricted conversation. I wasslow to gain strength, but I did slowly and surely become lessweak, and Joe stayed with me, and I fancied I was little Pip again.

For, the tenderness of Joe was so beautifully proportioned to myneed, that I was like a child in his hands. He would sit and talkto me in the old confidence, and with the old simplicity, and inthe old unassertive protecting way, so that I would half believethat all my life since the days of the old kitchen was one of themental troubles of the fever that was gone. He did everything forme except the household work, for which he had engaged a verydecent woman, after paying off the laundress on his first arrival."Which I do assure you, Pip," he would often say, in explanation ofthat liberty; "I found her a tapping the spare bed, like a cask ofbeer, and drawing off the feathers in a bucket, for sale. Which shewould have tapped yourn next, and draw'd it off with you a layingon it, and was then a carrying away the coals gradiwally in thesouptureen and wegetable-dishes, and the wine and spirits in yourWellington boots."

We looked forward to the day when I should go out for a ride, as wehad once looked forward to the day of my apprenticeship. And whenthe day came, and an open carriage was got into the Lane, Joewrapped me up, took me in his arms, carried me down to it, and putme in, as if I were still the small helpless creature to whom hehad so abundantly given of the wealth of his great nature.

And Joe got in beside me, and we drove away together into thecountry, where the rich summer growth was already on the trees andon the grass, and sweet summer scents filled all the air. The dayhappened to be Sunday, and when I looked on the loveliness aroundme, and thought how it had grown and changed, and how the littlewild flowers had been forming, and the voices of the birds had beenstrengthening, by day and by night, under the sun and under thestars, while poor I lay burning and tossing on my bed, the mereremembrance of having burned and tossed there, came like a checkupon my peace. But, when I heard the Sunday bells, and lookedaround a little more upon the outspread beauty, I felt that I wasnot nearly thankful enough - that I was too weak yet, to be eventhat - and I laid my head on Joe's shoulder, as I had laid it longago when he had taken me to the Fair or where not, and it was toomuch for my young senses.

More composure came to me after a while, and we talked as we usedto talk, lying on the grass at the old Battery. There was no changewhatever in Joe. Exactly what he had been in my eyes then, he wasin my eyes still; just as simply faithful, and as simply right.

When we got back again and he lifted me out, and carried me - soeasily - across the court and up the stairs, I thought of thateventful Christmas Day when he had carried me over the marshes. Wehad not yet made any allusion to my change of fortune, nor did Iknow how much of my late history he was acquainted with. I was sodoubtful of myself now, and put so much trust in him, that I couldnot satisfy myself whether I ought to refer to it when he did not.

"Have you heard, Joe," I asked him that evening, upon furtherconsideration, as he smoked his pipe at the window, "who my patronwas?"

"I heerd," returned Joe, "as it were not Miss Havisham, old chap."

"Did you hear who it was, Joe?"

"Well! I heerd as it were a person what sent the person whatgiv'you the bank-notes at the Jolly Bargemen, Pip."

"So it was."

"Astonishing!" said Joe, in the placidest way.

"Did you hear that he was dead, Joe?" I presently asked, withincreasing diffidence.

"Which? Him as sent the bank-notes, Pip?"

"Yes."

"I think," said Joe, after meditating a long time, and lookingrather evasively at the window-seat, "as I did hear tell that howhe were something or another in a general way in that direction."

"Did you hear anything of his circumstances, Joe?"

"Not partickler, Pip."

"If you would like to hear, Joe--" I was beginning, when Joe got upand came to my sofa.

"Lookee here, old chap," said Joe, bending over me. "Ever the bestof friends; ain't us, Pip?"

I was ashamed to answer him.

"Wery good, then," said Joe, as if I had answered; "that's allright, that's agreed upon. Then why go into subjects, old chap,which as betwixt two sech must be for ever onnecessary? There'ssubjects enough as betwixt two sech, without onnecessary ones.Lord! To think of your poor sister and her Rampages! And don't youremember Tickler?"

"I do indeed, Joe."

"Lookee here, old chap," said Joe. "I done what I could to keep youand Tickler in sunders, but my power were not always fully equal tomy inclinations. For when your poor sister had a mind to drop intoyou, it were not so much," said Joe, in his favourite argumentativeway, "that she dropped into me too, if I put myself in oppositionto her but that she dropped into you always heavier for it. Inoticed that. It ain't a grab at a man's whisker, not yet a shakeor two of a man (to which your sister was quite welcome), that 'udput a man off from getting a little child out of punishment. Butwhen that little child is dropped into, heavier, for that grab ofwhisker or shaking, then that man naterally up and says to himself,'Where is the good as you are a-doing? I grant you I see the 'arm,'says the man, 'but I don't see the good. I call upon you, sir,therefore, to pint out the good.'"

"The man says?" I observed, as Joe waited for me to speak.

"The man says," Joe assented. "Is he right, that man?"

"Dear Joe, he is always right."

"Well, old chap," said Joe, "then abide by your words. If he'salways right (which in general he's more likely wrong), he's rightwhen he says this: - Supposing ever you kep any little matter toyourself, when you was a little child, you kep it mostly becauseyou know'd as J. Gargery's power to part you and Tickler insunders, were not fully equal to his inclinations. Therefore, thinkno more of it as betwixt two sech, and do not let us pass remarksupon onnecessary subjects. Biddy giv' herself a deal o' troublewith me afore I left (for I am almost awful dull), as I should viewit in this light, and, viewing it in this light, as I should so putit. Both of which," said Joe, quite charmed with his logicalarrangement, "being done, now this to you a true friend, say.Namely. You mustn't go a-over-doing on it, but you must have yoursupper and your wine-and-water, and you must be put betwixt thesheets."

The delicacy with which Joe dismissed this theme, and the sweettact and kindness with which Biddy - who with her woman's wit hadfound me out so soon - had prepared him for it, made a deepimpression on my mind. But whether Joe knew how poor I was, and howmy great expectations had all dissolved, like our own marsh mistsbefore the sun, I could not understand.

Another thing in Joe that I could not understand when it firstbegan to develop itself, but which I soon arrived at a sorrowfulcomprehension of, was this: As I became stronger and better, Joebecame a little less easy with me. In my weakness and entiredependence on him, the dear fellow had fallen into the old tone,and called me by the old names, the dear "old Pip, old chap," thatnow were music in my ears. I too had fallen into the old ways, onlyhappy and thankful that he let me. But, imperceptibly, though Iheld by them fast, Joe's hold upon them began to slacken; andwhereas I wondered at this, at first, I soon began to understandthat the cause of it was in me, and that the fault of it was allmine.

Ah! Had I given Joe no reason to doubt my constancy, and to thinkthat in prosperity I should grow cold to him and cast him off? HadI given Joe's innocent heart no cause to feel instinctively that asI got stronger, his hold upon me would be weaker, and that he hadbetter loosen it in time and let me go, before I plucked myselfaway?

It was on the third or fourth occasion of my going out walking inthe Temple Gardens leaning on Joe's arm, that I saw this change inhim very plainly. We had been sitting in the bright warm sunlight,looking at the river, and I chanced to say as we got up:

"See, Joe! I can walk quite strongly. Now, you shall see me walkback by myself."

"Which do not over-do it, Pip," said Joe; "but I shall be happy furto see you able, sir."

The last word grated on me; but how could I remonstrate! I walkedno further than the gate of the gardens, and then pretended to beweaker than I was, and asked Joe for his arm. Joe gave it me, butwas thoughtful.

I, for my part, was thoughtful too; for, how best to check thisgrowing change in Joe, was a great perplexity to my remorsefulthoughts. That I was ashamed to tell him exactly how I was placed,and what I had come down to, I do not seek to conceal; but, I hopemy reluctance was not quite an unworthy one. He would want to helpme out of his little savings, I knew, and I knew that he ought notto help me, and that I must not suffer him to do it.

It was a thoughtful evening with both of us. But, before we went tobed, I had resolved that I would wait over to-morrow, to-morrowbeing Sunday, and would begin my new course with the new week. OnMonday morning I would speak to Joe about this change, I would layaside this last vestige of reserve, I would tell him what I had inmy thoughts (that Secondly, not yet arrived at), and why I had notdecided to go out to Herbert, and then the change would beconquered for ever. As I cleared, Joe cleared, and it seemed asthough he had sympathetically arrived at a resolution too.

We had a quiet day on the Sunday, and we rode out into the country,and then walked in the fields.

"I feel thankful that I have been ill, Joe," I said.

"Dear old Pip, old chap, you're a'most come round, sir."

"It has been a memorable time for me, Joe."

"Likeways for myself, sir," Joe returned.

"We have had a time together, Joe, that I can never forget. Therewere days once, I know, that I did for a while forget; but I nevershall forget these."

"Pip," said Joe, appearing a little hurried and troubled, "therehas been larks, And, dear sir, what have been betwixt us - havebeen."

At night, when I had gone to bed, Joe came into my room, as he haddone all through my recovery. He asked me if I felt sure that I wasas well as in the morning?

"Yes, dear Joe, quite."

"And are always a-getting stronger, old chap?"

"Yes, dear Joe, steadily."

Joe patted the coverlet on my shoulder with his great good hand,and said, in what I thought a husky voice, "Good night!"

When I got up in the morning, refreshed and stronger yet, I wasfull of my resolution to tell Joe all, without delay. I would tellhim before breakfast. I would dress at once and go to his room andsurprise him; for, it was the first day I had been up early. I wentto his room, and he was not there. Not only was he not there, buthis box was gone.

I hurried then to the breakfast-table, and on it found a letter.These were its brief contents.

"Not wishful to intrude I have departured fur you are well againdear Pip and will do better without JO.

"P.S. Ever the best of friends."

Enclosed in the letter, was a receipt for the debt and costs onwhich I had been arrested. Down to that moment I had vainlysupposed that my creditor had withdrawn or suspended proceedingsuntil I should be quite recovered. I had never dreamed of Joe'shaving paid the money; but, Joe had paid it, and the receipt was inhis name.

What remained for me now, but to follow him to the dear old forge,and there to have out my disclosure to him, and my penitentremonstrance with him, and there to relieve my mind and heart ofthat reserved Secondly, which had begun as a vague somethinglingering in my thoughts, and had formed into a settled purpose?

The purpose was, that I would go to Biddy, that I would show herhow humbled and repentant I came back, that I would tell her how Ihad lost all I once hoped for, that I would remind her of our oldconfidences in my first unhappy time. Then, I would say to her,"Biddy, I think you once liked me very well, when my errant heart,even while it strayed away from you, was quieter and better withyou than it ever has been since. If you can like me only half aswell once more, if you can take me with all my faults anddisappointments on my head, if you can receive me like a forgivenchild (and indeed I am as sorry, Biddy, and have as much need of ahushing voice and a soothing hand), I hope I am a little worthierof you that I was - not much, but a little. And, Biddy, it shallrest with you to say whether I shall work at the forge with Joe, orwhether I shall try for any different occupation down in thiscountry, or whether we shall go away to a distant place where anopportunity awaits me, which I set aside when it was offered, untilI knew your answer. And now, dear Biddy, if you can tell me thatyou will go through the world with me, you will surely make it abetter world for me, and me a better man for it, and I will tryhard to make it a better world for you."

Such was my purpose. After three days more of recovery, I went downto the old place, to put it in execution; and how I sped in it, isall I have left to tell.

Chapter 58

The tidings of my high fortunes having had a heavy fall, had gotdown to my native place and its neighbourhood, before I got there.I found the Blue Boar in possession of the intelligence, and Ifound that it made a great change in the Boar's demeanour. Whereasthe Boar had cultivated my good opinion with warm assiduity when Iwas coming into property, the Boar was exceedingly cool on thesubject now that I was going out of property.

It was evening when I arrived, much fatigued by the journey I hadso often made so easily. The Boar could not put me into my usualbedroom, which was engaged (probably by some one who hadexpectations), and could only assign me a very indifferent chamberamong the pigeons and post-chaises up the yard. But, I had as sounda sleep in that lodging as in the most superior accommodation theBoar could have given me, and the quality of my dreams was aboutthe same as in the best bedroom.

Title: Great Expectations
Author: Charles Dickens
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