'Will you allow me to look at your paper, Sir, when you havequite done with it?'

'You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in thiscontemptible THING, sir,' replied Slurk, bestowing a Satanic frownon Pott.

'You shall have this presently,' said Pott, looking up, palewith rage, and quivering in his speech, from the same cause.'Ha! ha! you will be amused with this FELLOW'S audacity.'

Terrible emphasis was laid upon 'thing' and 'fellow'; and thefaces of both editors began to glow with defiance.

'The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting,'said Pott, pretending to address Bob Sawyer, and scowling upon Slurk.Here, Mr. Slurk laughed very heartily, and folding up thepaper so as to get at a fresh column conveniently, said, that theblockhead really amused him.

'What an impudent blunderer this fellow is,' said Pott, turningfrom pink to crimson.

'Did you ever read any of this man's foolery, Sir?' inquiredSlurk of Bob Sawyer.

'Never,' replied Bob; 'is it very bad?'

'Oh, shocking! shocking!' rejoined Slurk.

'Really! Dear me, this is too atrocious!' exclaimed Pott, at thisjuncture; still feigning to be absorbed in his reading.

'If you can wade through a few sentences of malice, meanness,falsehood, perjury, treachery, and cant,' said Slurk, handing thepaper to Bob, 'you will, perhaps, be somewhat repaid by a laughat the style of this ungrammatical twaddler.'

'What's that you said, Sir?' inquired Mr. Pott, looking up,trembling all over with passion.

'What's that to you, sir?' replied Slurk.

'Ungrammatical twaddler, was it, sir?' said Pott.

'Yes, sir, it was,' replied Slurk; 'and BLUE BORE, Sir, if you likethat better; ha! ha!'

Mr. Pott retorted not a word at this jocose insult, but deliberatelyfolded up his copy of the INDEPENDENT, flattened it carefullydown, crushed it beneath his boot, spat upon it with greatceremony, and flung it into the fire.

'There, sir,' said Pott, retreating from the stove, 'and that's theway I would serve the viper who produces it, if I were not,fortunately for him, restrained by the laws of my country.'

'Serve him so, sir!' cried Slurk, starting up. 'Those laws shallnever be appealed to by him, sir, in such a case. Serve him so, sir!'

'Hear! hear!' said Bob Sawyer.

'Nothing can be fairer,' observed Mr. Ben Allen.

'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a loud voice.

Mr. Pott darted a look of contempt, which might havewithered an anchor.

'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a louder voicethan before.

'I will not, sir,' rejoined Pott.

'Oh, you won't, won't you, sir?' said Mr. Slurk, in a tauntingmanner; 'you hear this, gentlemen! He won't; not that he'safraid--, oh, no! he WON'T. Ha! ha!'

'I consider you, sir,' said Mr. Pott, moved by this sarcasm, 'Iconsider you a viper. I look upon you, sir, as a man who hasplaced himself beyond the pale of society, by his most audacious,disgraceful, and abominable public conduct. I view you, sir,personally and politically, in no other light than as a mostunparalleled and unmitigated viper.'

The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of thispersonal denunciation; for, catching up his carpet-bag, whichwas well stuffed with movables, he swung it in the air as Pottturned away, and, letting it fall with a circular sweep on his head,just at that particular angle of the bag where a good thickhairbrush happened to be packed, caused a sharp crash to beheard throughout the kitchen, and brought him at once to the ground.

'Gentlemen,' cried Mr. Pickwick, as Pott started up and seizedthe fire-shovel--'gentlemen! Consider, for Heaven's sake--help--Sam--here--pray, gentlemen--interfere, somebody.'

Uttering these incoherent exclamations, Mr. Pickwick rushedbetween the infuriated combatants just in time to receive thecarpet-bag on one side of his body, and the fire-shovel on theother. Whether the representatives of the public feeling ofEatanswill were blinded by animosity, or (being both acutereasoners) saw the advantage of having a third party betweenthem to bear all the blows, certain it is that they paid not theslightest attention to Mr. Pickwick, but defying each other withgreat spirit, plied the carpet-bag and the fire-shovel mostfearlessly. Mr. Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered severelyfor his humane interference, if Mr. Weller, attracted by hismaster's cries, had not rushed in at the moment, and, snatchingup a meal--sack, effectually stopped the conflict by drawing it overthe head and shoulders of the mighty Pott, and clasping himtight round the shoulders.

'Take away that 'ere bag from the t'other madman,' said Samto Ben Allen and Bob Sawyer, who had done nothing but dodgeround the group, each with a tortoise-shell lancet in his hand,ready to bleed the first man stunned. 'Give it up, you wretchedlittle creetur, or I'll smother you in it.'

Awed by these threats, and quite out of breath, the INDEPENDENTsuffered himself to be disarmed; and Mr. Weller, removing theextinguisher from Pott, set him free with a caution.

'You take yourselves off to bed quietly,' said Sam, 'or I'll putyou both in it, and let you fight it out vith the mouth tied, as Ivould a dozen sich, if they played these games. And you have thegoodness to come this here way, sir, if you please.'

Thus addressing his master, Sam took him by the arm, and ledhim off, while the rival editors were severally removed to theirbeds by the landlord, under the inspection of Mr. Bob Sawyer andMr. Benjamin Allen; breathing, as they went away, manysanguinary threats, and making vague appointments for mortalcombat next day. When they came to think it over, however, itoccurred to them that they could do it much better in print, sothey recommenced deadly hostilities without delay; and allEatanswill rung with their boldness--on paper.

They had taken themselves off in separate coaches, early nextmorning, before the other travellers were stirring; and the weatherhaving now cleared up, the chaise companions once more turnedtheir faces to London.

CHAPTER LIIINVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY,AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS

Considering it a matter of delicacy to abstain from introducingeither Bob Sawyer or Ben Allen to the young couple, until theywere fully prepared to expect them, and wishing to spareArabella's feelings as much as possible, Mr. Pickwickproposed that he and Sam should alight in the neighbourhood of theGeorge and Vulture, and that the two young men should forthe present take up their quarters elsewhere. To this they veryreadily agreed, and the proposition was accordingly actedupon; Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer betaking themselvesto a sequestered pot-shop on the remotest confines of theBorough, behind the bar door of which their names had inother days very often appeared at the head of long and complexcalculations worked in white chalk.

'Dear me, Mr. Weller,' said the pretty housemaid, meetingSam at the door.

'Dear ME I vish it vos, my dear,' replied Sam, droppingbehind, to let his master get out of hearing. 'Wot a sweet-lookin' creetur you are, Mary!'

'Lot, Mr. Weller, what nonsense you do talk!' said Mary.'Oh! don't, Mr. Weller."

'Don't what, my dear?' said Sam.

'Why, that,' replied the pretty housemaid. 'Lor, do get alongwith you.' Thus admonishing him, the pretty housemaid pushedSam against the wall, declaring that he had tumbled her cap,and put her hair quite out of curl.

'And prevented what I was going to say, besides,' added Mary.'There's a letter been waiting here for you four days; you hadn'tgone away, half an hour, when it came; and more than that, it'sgot "immediate," on the outside.'

'Vere is it, my love?' inquired Sam.

'I took care of it, for you, or I dare say it would have beenlost long before this,' replied Mary. 'There, take it; it's morethan you deserve.'

With these words, after many pretty little coquettish doubtsand fears, and wishes that she might not have lost it, Maryproduced the letter from behind the nicest little muslin tuckerpossible, and handed it to Sam, who thereupon kissed it withmuch gallantry and devotion.

'My goodness me!' said Mary, adjusting the tucker, andfeigning unconsciousness, 'you seem to have grown very fond ofit all at once.'

To this Mr. Weller only replied by a wink, the intense meaningof which no description could convey the faintest idea of; and,sitting himself down beside Mary on a window-seat, opened theletter and glanced at the contents.

'Hollo!' exclaimed Sam, 'wot's all this?'

'Nothing the matter, I hope?' said Mary, peeping over hisshoulder.

'Bless them eyes o' yourn!' said Sam, looking up.

'Never mind my eyes; you had much better read your letter,'said the pretty housemaid; and as she said so, she made the eyestwinkle with such slyness and beauty that they were perfectlyirresistible.

Sam refreshed himself with a kiss, and read as follows:--

'MARKIS GRAN'By DORKEN'Wensdy.

'My DEAR SAMMLE,

'I am werry sorry to have the pleasure of being a Bearof ill news your Mother in law cort cold consekens of imprudentlysettin too long on the damp grass in the rain a hearingof a shepherd who warnt able to leave off till late at night owento his having vound his-self up vith brandy and vater and notbeing able to stop his-self till he got a little sober which took amany hours to do the doctor says that if she'd svallo'd varmbrandy and vater artervards insted of afore she mightn't havebeen no vus her veels wos immedetly greased and everythinkdone to set her agoin as could be inwented your father hadhopes as she vould have vorked round as usual but just as shewos a turnen the corner my boy she took the wrong road andvent down hill vith a welocity you never see and notvithstandinthat the drag wos put on directly by the medikel man it worntof no use at all for she paid the last pike at twenty minutes aforesix o'clock yesterday evenin havin done the journey wery muchunder the reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haventaken in wery little luggage by the vay your father says thatif you vill come and see me Sammy he vill take it as a werygreat favor for I am wery lonely Samivel n. b. he VILL have itspelt that vay vich I say ant right and as there is sich a manythings to settle he is sure your guvner wont object of coursehe vill not Sammy for I knows him better so he sends his dootyin which I join and am Samivel infernally yours'TONY VELLER.'

'Wot a incomprehensible letter,' said Sam; 'who's to know wotit means, vith all this he-ing and I-ing! It ain't my father'swritin', 'cept this here signater in print letters; that's his.'

'Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him, and signed ithimself afterwards,' said the pretty housemaid.

'Stop a minit,' replied Sam, running over the letter again,and pausing here and there, to reflect, as he did so. 'You've hitit. The gen'l'm'n as wrote it wos a-tellin' all about themisfortun' in a proper vay, and then my father comes a-lookin'over him, and complicates the whole concern by puttin' his oarin. That's just the wery sort o' thing he'd do. You're right,Mary, my dear.'

Having satisfied himself on this point, Sam read the letter allover, once more, and, appearing to form a clear notion of itscontents for the first time, ejaculated thoughtfully, as he foldedit up--

'And so the poor creetur's dead! I'm sorry for it. She warn'ta bad-disposed 'ooman, if them shepherds had let her alone.I'm wery sorry for it.'

Mr. Weller uttered these words in so serious a manner, thatthe pretty housemaid cast down her eyes and looked very grave.

'Hows'ever,' said Sam, putting the letter in his pocket with agentle sigh, 'it wos to be--and wos, as the old lady said artershe'd married the footman. Can't be helped now, can it, Mary?'

Mary shook her head, and sighed too.

'I must apply to the hemperor for leave of absence,' said Sam.

Mary sighed again--the letter was so very affecting.

'Good-bye!' said Sam.

'Good-bye,' rejoined the pretty housemaid, turning her head away.

'Well, shake hands, won't you?' said Sam.

The pretty housemaid put out a hand which, although it wasa housemaid's, was a very small one, and rose to go.

'I shan't be wery long avay,' said Sam.

'You're always away,' said Mary, giving her head the slightestpossible toss in the air. 'You no sooner come, Mr. Weller, thanyou go again.'

Mr. Weller drew the household beauty closer to him, andentered upon a whispering conversation, which had not proceededfar, when she turned her face round and condescendedto look at him again. When they parted, it was somehow orother indispensably necessary for her to go to her room, andarrange the cap and curls before she could think of presentingherself to her mistress; which preparatory ceremony she wentoff to perform, bestowing many nods and smiles on Sam over thebanisters as she tripped upstairs.

'I shan't be avay more than a day, or two, Sir, at the furthest,'said Sam, when he had communicated to Mr. Pickwick theintelligence of his father's loss.

'As long as may be necessary, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick,'you have my full permission to remain.'

Sam bowed.

'You will tell your father, Sam, that if I can be of any assistanceto him in his present situation, I shall be most willing and readyto lend him any aid in my power,' said Mr. Pickwick.

'Thank'ee, sir,' rejoined Sam. 'I'll mention it, sir.'

Title: The Pickwick Papers
Author: Charles Dickens
Viewed 262664 times

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