'Some remarks to me,' repeated Mr. Pickwick, almost breathless;'and your partner has tendered me his hand, and you haveboth assumed a tone of forgiveness and high-mindedness, whichis an extent of impudence that I was not prepared for, even in you.'

'What, sir!' exclaimed Dodson.

'What, sir!' reiterated Fogg.

'Do you know that I have been the victim of your plots andconspiracies?' continued Mr. Pickwick. 'Do you know that Iam the man whom you have been imprisoning and robbing?Do you know that you were the attorneys for the plaintiff, inBardell and Pickwick?'

'Yes, sir, we do know it,' replied Dodson.

'Of course we know it, Sir,' rejoined Fogg, slapping his pocket--perhaps by accident.

'I see that you recollect it with satisfaction,' said Mr. Pickwick,attempting to call up a sneer for the first time in his life, andfailing most signally in so doing. 'Although I have long beenanxious to tell you, in plain terms, what my opinion of you is, Ishould have let even this opportunity pass, in deference to myfriend Perker's wishes, but for the unwarrantable tone you haveassumed, and your insolent familiarity. I say insolent familiarity,sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, turning upon Fogg with a fierceness ofgesture which caused that person to retreat towards the door withgreat expedition.

'Take care, Sir,' said Dodson, who, though he was the biggestman of the party, had prudently entrenched himself behindFogg, and was speaking over his head with a very pale face. 'Lethim assault you, Mr. Fogg; don't return it on any account.'

'No, no, I won't return it,' said Fogg, falling back a littlemore as he spoke; to the evident relief of his partner, who bythese means was gradually getting into the outer office.

'You are,' continued Mr. Pickwick, resuming the thread of hisdiscourse--'you are a well-matched pair of mean, rascally,pettifogging robbers.'

'Well,' interposed Perker, 'is that all?'

'It is all summed up in that,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick; 'they aremean, rascally, pettifogging robbers.'

'There!' said Perker, in a most conciliatory tone. 'My dear sirs,he has said all he has to say. Now pray go. Lowten, is that dooropen?'

Mr. Lowten, with a distant giggle, replied in the affirmative.

'There, there--good-morning--good-morning--now pray, mydear sirs--Mr. Lowten, the door!' cried the little man, pushingDodson & Fogg, nothing loath, out of the office; 'this way, mydear sirs--now pray don't prolong this-- Dear me--Mr.Lowten--the door, sir--why don't you attend?'

'If there's law in England, sir,' said Dodson, looking towardsMr. Pickwick, as he put on his hat, 'you shall smart for this.'

'You are a couple of mean--'

'Remember, sir, you pay dearly for this,' said Fogg.

'--Rascally, pettifogging robbers!' continued Mr. Pickwick,taking not the least notice of the threats that were addressed to him.

'Robbers!' cried Mr. Pickwick, running to the stair-head, asthe two attorneys descended.

'Robbers!' shouted Mr. Pickwick, breaking from Lowten andPerker, and thrusting his head out of the staircase window.

When Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, his countenancewas smiling and placid; and, walking quietly back into the office,he declared that he had now removed a great weight from hismind, and that he felt perfectly comfortable and happy.

Perker said nothing at all until he had emptied his snuff-box,and sent Lowten out to fill it, when he was seized with a fit oflaughing, which lasted five minutes; at the expiration of whichtime he said that he supposed he ought to be very angry, but hecouldn't think of the business seriously yet--when he could, hewould be.

'Well, now,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me have a settlement with you.''Of the same kind as the last?' inquired Perker, with another laugh.'Not exactly,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, drawing out his pocket-book, and shaking the little man heartily by the hand, 'I onlymean a pecuniary settlement. You have done me many acts ofkindness that I can never repay, and have no wish to repay, forI prefer continuing the obligation.'

With this preface, the two friends dived into some very complicatedaccounts and vouchers, which, having been duly displayed andgone through by Perker, were at once discharged by Mr. Pickwickwith many professions of esteem and friendship.

They had no sooner arrived at this point, than a most violentand startling knocking was heard at the door; it was not anordinary double-knock, but a constant and uninterruptedsuccession of the loudest single raps, as if the knocker wereendowed with the perpetual motion, or the person outside hadforgotten to leave off.

'Dear me, what's that?' exclaimed Perker, starting.

'I think it is a knock at the door,' said Mr. Pickwick, as ifthere could be the smallest doubt of the fact.

The knocker made a more energetic reply than words couldhave yielded, for it continued to hammer with surprising forceand noise, without a moment's cessation.

'Dear me!' said Perker, ringing his bell, 'we shall alarm theinn. Mr. Lowten, don't you hear a knock?'

'I'll answer the door in one moment, Sir,' replied the clerk.

The knocker appeared to hear the response, and to assert thatit was quite impossible he could wait so long. It made astupendous uproar.

'It's quite dreadful,' said Mr. Pickwick, stopping his ears.

'Make haste, Mr. Lowten,' Perker called out; 'we shall havethe panels beaten in.'

Mr. Lowten, who was washing his hands in a dark closet,hurried to the door, and turning the handle, beheld the appearancewhich is described in the next chapter.

CHAPTER LIVCONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THEDOUBLE KNOCK, AND OTHER MATTERS: AMONG WHICHCERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELATIVE TO Mr.SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY ARE BY NO MEANSIRRELEVANT TO THIS HISTORY

The object that presented itself to the eyes of the astonishedclerk, was a boy--a wonderfully fat boy--habited as a serving lad,standing upright on the mat, with his eyes closed as if in sleep.He had never seen such a fat boy, in or out of a travelling caravan;and this, coupled with the calmness and repose of his appearance,so very different from what was reasonably to have been expectedof the inflicter of such knocks, smote him with wonder.

'What's the matter?' inquired the clerk.

The extraordinary boy replied not a word; but he noddedonce, and seemed, to the clerk's imagination, to snore feebly.

'Where do you come from?' inquired the clerk.

The boy made no sign. He breathed heavily, but in all otherrespects was motionless.

The clerk repeated the question thrice, and receiving noanswer, prepared to shut the door, when the boy suddenlyopened his eyes, winked several times, sneezed once, and raisedhis hand as if to repeat the knocking. Finding the door open, hestared about him with astonishment, and at length fixed his eyeson Mr. Lowten's face.

'What the devil do you knock in that way for?' inquired theclerk angrily.

'Which way?' said the boy, in a slow and sleepy voice.

'Why, like forty hackney-coachmen,' replied the clerk.

'Because master said, I wasn't to leave off knocking till theyopened the door, for fear I should go to sleep,' said the boy.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'what message have you brought?'

'He's downstairs,' rejoined the boy.

'Who?'

'Master. He wants to know whether you're at home.'

Mr. Lowten bethought himself, at this juncture, of lookingout of the window. Seeing an open carriage with a hearty oldgentleman in it, looking up very anxiously, he ventured tobeckon him; on which, the old gentleman jumped out directly.

'That's your master in the carriage, I suppose?' said Lowten.

The boy nodded.

All further inquiries were superseded by the appearance of oldWardle, who, running upstairs and just recognising Lowten,passed at once into Mr. Perker's room.

'Pickwick!' said the old gentleman. 'Your hand, my boy! Whyhave I never heard until the day before yesterday of your sufferingyourself to be cooped up in jail? And why did you let him doit, Perker?'

'I couldn't help it, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, with a smileand a pinch of snuff; 'you know how obstinate he is?'

'Of course I do; of course I do,' replied the old gentleman. 'Iam heartily glad to see him, notwithstanding. I will not losesight of him again, in a hurry.'

With these words, Wardle shook Mr. Pickwick's hand oncemore, and, having done the same by Perker, threw himself intoan arm-chair, his jolly red face shining again with smiles and health.

'Well!' said Wardle. 'Here are pretty goings on--a pinch ofyour snuff, Perker, my boy--never were such times, eh?'

'What do you mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.

'Mean!' replied Wardle. 'Why, I think the girls are all runningmad; that's no news, you'll say? Perhaps it's not; but it's true,for all that.'

'You have not come up to London, of all places in the world,to tell us that, my dear Sir, have you?' inquired Perker.

'No, not altogether,' replied Wardle; 'though it was the maincause of my coming. How's Arabella?'

'Very well,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'and will be delighted to seeyou, I am sure.'

'Black-eyed little jilt!' replied Wardle. 'I had a great idea ofmarrying her myself, one of these odd days. But I am glad of ittoo, very glad.'

'How did the intelligence reach you?' asked Mr. Pickwick.

'Oh, it came to my girls, of course,'replied Wardle. 'Arabellawrote, the day before yesterday, to say she had made a stolenmatch without her husband's father's consent, and so you hadgone down to get it when his refusing it couldn't prevent thematch, and all the rest of it. I thought it a very good time to saysomething serious to my girls; so I said what a dreadful thing itwas that children should marry without their parents' consent,and so forth; but, bless your hearts, I couldn't make the leastimpression upon them. They thought it such a much moredreadful thing that there should have been a wedding withoutbridesmaids, that I might as well have preached to Joe himself.'Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh; and having done soto his heart's content, presently resumed--

'But this is not the best of it, it seems. This is only half thelove-making and plotting that have been going forward. Wehave been walking on mines for the last six months, and they'resprung at last.'

'What do you mean?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turning pale;'no other secret marriage, I hope?'

'No, no,' replied old Wardle; 'not so bad as that; no.'

'What then?' inquired Mr. Pickwick; 'am I interested in it?'

'Shall I answer that question, Perker?' said Wardle.

'If you don't commit yourself by doing so, my dear Sir.'

'Well then, you are,' said Wardle.

'How?' asked Mr. Pickwick anxiously. 'In what way?'

'Really,' replied Wardle, 'you're such a fiery sort of a youngfellow that I am almost afraid to tell you; but, however, ifPerker will sit between us to prevent mischief, I'll venture.'

Having closed the room door, and fortified himself withanother application to Perker's snuff-box, the old gentlemanproceeded with his great disclosure in these words--

'The fact is, that my daughter Bella--Bella, who marriedyoung Trundle, you know.'

'Yes, yes, we know,' said Mr. Pickwick impatiently.

'Don't alarm me at the very beginning. My daughter Bella--Emily having gone to bed with a headache after she had readArabella's letter to me--sat herself down by my side the otherevening, and began to talk over this marriage affair. "Well, pa,"she says, "what do you think of it?" "Why, my dear," I said,"I suppose it's all very well; I hope it's for the best." I answeredin this way because I was sitting before the fire at the time, drinkingmy grog rather thoughtfully, and I knew my throwing inan undecided word now and then, would induce her to continue talking.Both my girls are pictures of their dear mother, and as I grow oldI like to sit with only them by me; for their voices and looks carryme back to the happiest period of my life, and make me, for themoment, as young as I used to be then, though not quite so light-hearted."It's quite a marriage of affection, pa," said Bella, after a shortsilence. "Yes, my dear," said I, "but such marriages do not always turnout the happiest."'

'I question that, mind!' interposed Mr. Pickwick warmly.'Very good,' responded Wardle, 'question anything you likewhen it's your turn to speak, but don't interrupt me.'

'I beg your pardon,' said Mr. Pickwick.

'Granted,' replied Wardle. '"I am sorry to hear you expressyour opinion against marriages of affection, pa," said Bella,colouring a little. "I was wrong; I ought not to have said so, mydear, either," said I, patting her cheek as kindly as a rough oldfellow like me could pat it, "for your mother's was one, and sowas yours." "It's not that I meant, pa," said Bella. "The fact is,pa, I wanted to speak to you about Emily."'

Mr. Pickwick started.

'What's the matter now?' inquired Wardle, stopping in his narrative.

'Nothing,'replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Pray go on.'

'I never could spin out a story,' said Wardle abruptly. 'It mustcome out, sooner or later, and it'll save us all a great deal of timeif it comes at once. The long and the short of it is, then, thatBella at last mustered up courage to tell me that Emily was veryunhappy; that she and your young friend Snodgrass had been inconstant correspondence and communication ever since lastChristmas; that she had very dutifully made up her mind to runaway with him, in laudable imitation of her old friend andschool-fellow; but that having some compunctions of conscienceon the subject, inasmuch as I had always been rather kindlydisposed to both of them, they had thought it better in the firstinstance to pay me the compliment of asking whether I wouldhave any objection to their being married in the usual matter-of-fact manner. There now, Mr. Pickwick, if you can make itconvenient to reduce your eyes to their usual size again, andto let me hear what you think we ought to do, I shall feel ratherobliged to you!'

Title: The Pickwick Papers
Author: Charles Dickens
Viewed 262678 times

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