Crossing the greengrocer's shop, and putting their hats on thestairs in the little passage behind it, they walked into a smallparlour; and here the full splendour of the scene burst upon Mr.Weller's view.

A couple of tables were put together in the middle of theparlour, covered with three or four cloths of different ages anddates of washing, arranged to look as much like one as thecircumstances of the case would allow. Upon these were laidknives and forks for six or eight people. Some of the knifehandles were green, others red, and a few yellow; and as all theforks were black, the combination of colours was exceedinglystriking. Plates for a corresponding number of guests werewarming behind the fender; and the guests themselves werewarming before it: the chief and most important of whom appearedto be a stoutish gentleman in a bright crimson coat with longtails, vividly red breeches, and a cocked hat, who was standingwith his back to the fire, and had apparently just entered, forbesides retaining his cocked hat on his head, he carried in hishand a high stick, such as gentlemen of his profession usuallyelevate in a sloping position over the roofs of carriages.

'Smauker, my lad, your fin,' said the gentleman with thecocked hat.

Mr. Smauker dovetailed the top joint of his right-hand littlefinger into that of the gentleman with the cocked hat, and said hewas charmed to see him looking so well.

'Well, they tell me I am looking pretty blooming,' saidthe man with the cocked hat, 'and it's a wonder, too. I'vebeen following our old woman about, two hours a day, forthe last fortnight; and if a constant contemplation of themanner in which she hooks-and-eyes that infernal lavender-coloured old gown of hers behind, isn't enough to throw anybodyinto a low state of despondency for life, stop my quarter's salary.'

At this, the assembled selections laughed very heartily; andone gentleman in a yellow waistcoat, with a coach-trimmingborder, whispered a neighbour in green-foil smalls, that Tucklewas in spirits to-night.

'By the bye,' said Mr. Tuckle, 'Smauker, my boy, you--'The remainder of the sentence was forwarded into Mr. JohnSmauker's ear, by whisper.

'Oh, dear me, I quite forgot,' said Mr. John Smauker.'Gentlemen, my friend Mr. Weller.'

'Sorry to keep the fire off you, Weller,' said Mr. Tuckle, with afamiliar nod. 'Hope you're not cold, Weller.'

'Not by no means, Blazes,' replied Sam. 'It 'ud be a wery chillysubject as felt cold wen you stood opposite. You'd save coals ifthey put you behind the fender in the waitin'-room at a publicoffice, you would.'

As this retort appeared to convey rather a personal allusion toMr. Tuckle's crimson livery, that gentleman looked majestic fora few seconds, but gradually edging away from the fire, brokeinto a forced smile, and said it wasn't bad.

'Wery much obliged for your good opinion, sir,' replied Sam.'We shall get on by degrees, I des-say. We'll try a better one byand bye.'

At this point the conversation was interrupted by the arrivalof a gentleman in orange-coloured plush, accompanied byanother selection in purple cloth, with a great extent of stocking.The new-comers having been welcomed by the old ones, Mr.Tuckle put the question that supper be ordered in, which wascarried unanimously.

The greengrocer and his wife then arranged upon the table aboiled leg of mutton, hot, with caper sauce, turnips, and potatoes.Mr. Tuckle took the chair, and was supported at the other endof the board by the gentleman in orange plush. The greengrocerput on a pair of wash-leather gloves to hand the plates with, andstationed himself behind Mr. Tuckle's chair.

'Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, in a commanding tone.'Sir,' said the greengrocer.

'Have you got your gloves on?''Yes, Sir.'

'Then take the kiver off.'

'Yes, Sir.'

The greengrocer did as he was told, with a show of greathumility, and obsequiously handed Mr. Tuckle the carving-knife; in doing which, he accidentally gaped.

'What do you mean by that, Sir?' said Mr. Tuckle, with great asperity.

'I beg your pardon, Sir,' replied the crestfallen greengrocer, 'Ididn't mean to do it, Sir; I was up very late last night, Sir.'

'I tell you what my opinion of you is, Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle,with a most impressive air, 'you're a wulgar beast.'

'I hope, gentlemen,' said Harris, 'that you won't be severewith me, gentlemen. I am very much obliged to you indeed,gentlemen, for your patronage, and also for your recommendations,gentlemen, whenever additional assistance in waiting isrequired. I hope, gentlemen, I give satisfaction.'

'No, you don't, Sir,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Very far from it, Sir.'

'We consider you an inattentive reskel,' said the gentleman inthe orange plush.

'And a low thief,' added the gentleman in the green-foil smalls.

'And an unreclaimable blaygaird,' added the gentleman in purple.

The poor greengrocer bowed very humbly while these littleepithets were bestowed upon him, in the true spirit of the verysmallest tyranny; and when everybody had said something toshow his superiority, Mr. Tuckle proceeded to carve the leg ofmutton, and to help the company.

This important business of the evening had hardly commenced,when the door was thrown briskly open, and anothergentleman in a light-blue suit, and leaden buttons, made his appearance.

'Against the rules,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Too late, too late.'

'No, no; positively I couldn't help it,' said the gentleman inblue. 'I appeal to the company. An affair of gallantry now, anappointment at the theayter.'

'Oh, that indeed,' said the gentleman in the orange plush.

'Yes; raly now, honour bright,' said the man in blue. 'I made apromese to fetch our youngest daughter at half-past ten, and sheis such an uncauminly fine gal, that I raly hadn't the 'art todisappint her. No offence to the present company, Sir, but apetticut, sir--a petticut, Sir, is irrevokeable.'

'I begin to suspect there's something in that quarter,' saidTuckle, as the new-comer took his seat next Sam, 'I've remarked,once or twice, that she leans very heavy on your shoulder whenshe gets in and out of the carriage.'

'Oh, raly, raly, Tuckle, you shouldn't,' said the man in blue.'It's not fair. I may have said to one or two friends that she wos avery divine creechure, and had refused one or two offers withoutany hobvus cause, but--no, no, no, indeed, Tuckle--beforestrangers, too--it's not right--you shouldn't. Delicacy, mydear friend, delicacy!' And the man in blue, pulling up hisneckerchief, and adjusting his coat cuffs, nodded and frowned asif there were more behind, which he could say if he liked, but wasbound in honour to suppress.

The man in blue being a light-haired, stiff-necked, free and easysort of footman, with a swaggering air and pert face, hadattracted Mr. Weller's special attention at first, but when hebegan to come out in this way, Sam felt more than ever disposedto cultivate his acquaintance; so he launched himself into theconversation at once, with characteristic independence.

'Your health, Sir,' said Sam. 'I like your conversation much.I think it's wery pretty.'

At this the man in blue smiled, as if it were a compliment hewas well used to; but looked approvingly on Sam at the sametime, and said he hoped he should be better acquainted with him,for without any flattery at all he seemed to have the makings of avery nice fellow about him, and to be just the man after his own heart.

'You're wery good, sir,' said Sam. 'What a lucky feller you are!'

'How do you mean?' inquired the gentleman in blue.

'That 'ere young lady,' replied Sam.'She knows wot's wot, shedoes. Ah! I see.' Mr. Weller closed one eye, and shook his headfrom side to side, in a manner which was highly gratifying to thepersonal vanity of the gentleman in blue.

'I'm afraid your a cunning fellow, Mr. Weller,' said thatindividual.

'No, no,' said Sam. 'I leave all that 'ere to you. It's a great dealmore in your way than mine, as the gen'l'm'n on the right side o'the garden vall said to the man on the wrong un, ven the madbull vos a-comin' up the lane.'

'Well, well, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'I think shehas remarked my air and manner, Mr. Weller.'

'I should think she couldn't wery well be off o' that,' said Sam.

'Have you any little thing of that kind in hand, sir?' inquiredthe favoured gentleman in blue, drawing a toothpick from hiswaistcoat pocket.

'Not exactly,' said Sam. 'There's no daughters at my place,else o' course I should ha' made up to vun on 'em. As it is, I don'tthink I can do with anythin' under a female markis. I might keepup with a young 'ooman o' large property as hadn't a title, if shemade wery fierce love to me. Not else.'

'Of course not, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'onecan't be troubled, you know; and WE know, Mr. Weller--we,who are men of the world--that a good uniform must work itsway with the women, sooner or later. In fact, that's the onlything, between you and me, that makes the service worth entering into.'

'Just so,' said Sam. 'That's it, o' course.'

When this confidential dialogue had gone thus far, glasses wereplaced round, and every gentleman ordered what he liked best,before the public-house shut up. The gentleman in blue, and theman in orange, who were the chief exquisites of the party,ordered 'cold shrub and water,' but with the others, gin-and-water, sweet, appeared to be the favourite beverage. Sam calledthe greengrocer a 'desp'rate willin,' and ordered a large bowl ofpunch--two circumstances which seemed to raise him very muchin the opinion of the selections.

'Gentlemen,' said the man in blue, with an air of the mostconsummate dandyism, 'I'll give you the ladies; come.'

'Hear, hear!' said Sam. 'The young mississes.'

Here there was a loud cry of 'Order,' and Mr. John Smauker,as the gentleman who had introduced Mr. Weller into thatcompany, begged to inform him that the word he had just made useof, was unparliamentary.

'Which word was that 'ere, Sir?' inquired Sam.'Mississes, Sir,' replied Mr. John Smauker, with an alarmingfrown. 'We don't recognise such distinctions here.'

'Oh, wery good,' said Sam; 'then I'll amend the obserwationand call 'em the dear creeturs, if Blazes vill allow me.'

Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the gentleman inthe green-foil smalls, whether the chairman could be legallyappealed to, as 'Blazes,' but as the company seemed moredisposed to stand upon their own rights than his, the questionwas not raised. The man with the cocked hat breathed short, andlooked long at Sam, but apparently thought it as well to saynothing, in case he should get the worst of it.After a short silence, a gentleman in an embroidered coatreaching down to his heels, and a waistcoat of the same whichkept one half of his legs warm, stirred his gin-and-water withgreat energy, and putting himself upon his feet, all at once by aviolent effort, said he was desirous of offering a few remarks tothe company, whereupon the person in the cocked hat had nodoubt that the company would be very happy to hear anyremarks that the man in the long coat might wish to offer.

'I feel a great delicacy, gentlemen, in coming for'ard,' said theman in the long coat, 'having the misforchune to be a coachman,and being only admitted as a honorary member of these agreeableswarrys, but I do feel myself bound, gentlemen--drove into acorner, if I may use the expression--to make known an afflictingcircumstance which has come to my knowledge; which hashappened I may say within the soap of my everyday contemplation.Gentlemen, our friend Mr. Whiffers (everybody looked atthe individual in orange), our friend Mr. Whiffers has resigned.'

Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers. Each gentlemanlooked in his neighbour's face, and then transferred his glance tothe upstanding coachman.

'You may well be sapparised, gentlemen,' said the coachman.'I will not wenchure to state the reasons of this irrepairabel lossto the service, but I will beg Mr. Whiffers to state them himself,for the improvement and imitation of his admiring friends.'

The suggestion being loudly approved of, Mr. Whiffersexplained. He said he certainly could have wished to have continuedto hold the appointment he had just resigned. The uniformwas extremely rich and expensive, the females of the familywas most agreeable, and the duties of the situation was not, hewas bound to say, too heavy; the principal service that wasrequired of him, being, that he should look out of the hallwindow as much as possible, in company with another gentleman,who had also resigned. He could have wished to have spared thatcompany the painful and disgusting detail on which he was aboutto enter, but as the explanation had been demanded of him, hehad no alternative but to state, boldly and distinctly, that he hadbeen required to eat cold meat.

It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this avowalawakened in the bosoms of the hearers. Loud cries of 'Shame,'mingled with groans and hisses, prevailed for a quarter of an hour.

Mr. Whiffers then added that he feared a portion of thisoutrage might be traced to his own forbearing and accommodatingdisposition. He had a distinct recollection of having onceconsented to eat salt butter, and he had, moreover, on an occasionof sudden sickness in the house, so far forgotten himself as tocarry a coal-scuttle up to the second floor. He trusted he had notlowered himself in the good opinion of his friends by this frankconfession of his faults; and he hoped the promptness with whichhe had resented the last unmanly outrage on his feelings, towhich he had referred, would reinstate him in their good opinion,if he had.

Title: The Pickwick Papers
Author: Charles Dickens
Viewed 262643 times

...																																										...
...	62	63	64	65	66	67	68	69	70	71	72	73	74	75	76	77	78	79	80	81	82	83	84	85	86	87	88	89	90	91	92	93	94	95	96	97	98	99	100	101	102	...