'Stop a minit,' said Sam, 'you're all vite behind.'

'That's right, Sammy, rub it off,' said Mr. Weller, as his sondusted him. 'It might look personal here, if a man walked aboutwith vitevash on his clothes, eh, Sammy?'

As Mr. Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symptomsof an approaching fit of chuckling, Sam interposed to stop it.

'Keep quiet, do,' said Sam, 'there never vos such a old picter-card born. Wot are you bustin' vith, now?'

'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, 'I'm afeerdthat vun o' these days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy, my boy.'

'Vell, then, wot do you do it for?' said Sam. 'Now, then, wothave you got to say?'

'Who do you think's come here with me, Samivel?' said Mr.Weller, drawing back a pace or two, pursing up his mouth, andextending his eyebrows.'Pell?' said Sam.

Mr. Weller shook his head, and his red cheeks expanded withthe laughter that was endeavouring to find a vent.

'Mottled-faced man, p'raps?' asked Sam.

Again Mr. Weller shook his head.

'Who then?'asked Sam.

'Your mother-in-law,' said Mr. Weller; and it was lucky he didsay it, or his cheeks must inevitably have cracked, from theirmost unnatural distension.

'Your mother--in--law, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'and thered-nosed man, my boy; and the red-nosed man. Ho! ho! ho!'

With this, Mr. Weller launched into convulsions of laughter,while Sam regarded him with a broad grin gradually over-spreading his whole countenance.

'They've come to have a little serious talk with you, Samivel,'said Mr. Weller, wiping his eyes. 'Don't let out nothin' about theunnat'ral creditor, Sammy.'

'Wot, don't they know who it is?' inquired Sam.

'Not a bit on it,' replied his father.

'Vere are they?' said Sam, reciprocating all the old gentleman's grins.

'In the snuggery,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Catch the red-nosedman a-goin' anyvere but vere the liquors is; not he, Samivel, nothe. Ve'd a wery pleasant ride along the road from the Markisthis mornin', Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, when he felt himselfequal to the task of speaking in an articulate manner. 'I drove theold piebald in that 'ere little shay-cart as belonged to yourmother-in-law's first wenter, into vich a harm-cheer wos liftedfor the shepherd; and I'm blessed,' said Mr. Weller, with a lookof deep scorn--'I'm blessed if they didn't bring a portable flighto' steps out into the road a-front o' our door for him, to get up by.'

'You don't mean that?' said Sam.

'I do mean that, Sammy,' replied his father, 'and I vish youcould ha' seen how tight he held on by the sides wen he did getup, as if he wos afeerd o' being precipitayted down full six foot, anddashed into a million hatoms. He tumbled in at last, however, and avayve vent; and I rayther think--I say I rayther think, Samivel--that hefound his-self a little jolted ven ve turned the corners.'

'Wot, I s'pose you happened to drive up agin a post or two?'said Sam.'I'm afeerd,' replied Mr. Weller, in a rapture of winks--'I'mafeerd I took vun or two on 'em, Sammy; he wos a-flyin' out o'the arm-cheer all the way.'

Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side, andwas seized with a hoarse internal rumbling, accompanied with aviolent swelling of the countenance, and a sudden increase in thebreadth of all his features; symptoms which alarmed his sonnot a little.

'Don't be frightened, Sammy, don't be frightened,' said theold gentleman, when by dint of much struggling, and variousconvulsive stamps upon the ground, he had recovered hisvoice. 'It's only a kind o' quiet laugh as I'm a-tryin' to come, Sammy.'

'Well, if that's wot it is,' said Sam, 'you'd better not try tocome it agin. You'll find it rayther a dangerous inwention.'

'Don't you like it, Sammy?' inquired the old gentleman.

'Not at all,' replied Sam.

'Well,' said Mr. Weller, with the tears still running down hischeeks, 'it 'ud ha' been a wery great accommodation to me if Icould ha' done it, and 'ud ha' saved a good many vords atweenyour mother-in-law and me, sometimes; but I'm afeerd you'reright, Sammy, it's too much in the appleplexy line--a deal toomuch, Samivel.'

This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery,into which Sam--pausing for an instant to look over his shoulder,and cast a sly leer at his respected progenitor, who was stillgiggling behind--at once led the way.

'Mother-in-law,' said Sam, politely saluting the lady, 'werymuch obliged to you for this here wisit.--Shepherd, how air you?'

'Oh, Samuel!' said Mrs. Weller. 'This is dreadful.'

'Not a bit on it, mum,' replied Sam.--'Is it, shepherd?'

Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his eyes, until thewhites--or rather the yellows--were alone visible; but made noreply in words.

'Is this here gen'l'm'n troubled with any painful complaint?'said Sam, looking to his mother-in-law for explanation.

'The good man is grieved to see you here, Samuel,' repliedMrs. Weller.

'Oh, that's it, is it?' said Sam. 'I was afeerd, from his manner,that he might ha' forgotten to take pepper vith that 'ere lastcowcumber he eat. Set down, Sir, ve make no extra charge forsettin' down, as the king remarked wen he blowed up his ministers.'

'Young man,' said Mr. Stiggins ostentatiously, 'I fear you arenot softened by imprisonment.'

'Beg your pardon, Sir,' replied Sam; 'wot wos you graciouslypleased to hobserve?'

'I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no softer for thischastening,' said Mr. Stiggins, in a loud voice.

'Sir,' replied Sam, 'you're wery kind to say so. I hope mynatur is NOT a soft vun, Sir. Wery much obliged to you for yourgood opinion, Sir.'

At this point of the conversation, a sound, indecorouslyapproaching to a laugh, was heard to proceed from the chairin which the elder Mr. Weller was seated; upon which Mrs.Weller, on a hasty consideration of all the circumstances of thecase, considered it her bounden duty to become gradually hysterical.

'Weller,' said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was seated in acorner); 'Weller! Come forth.'

'Wery much obleeged to you, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller;'but I'm quite comfortable vere I am.'

Upon this, Mrs. Weller burst into tears.

'Wot's gone wrong, mum?' said Sam.

'Oh, Samuel!' replied Mrs. Weller, 'your father makes mewretched. Will nothing do him good?'

'Do you hear this here?' said Sam. 'Lady vants to know vethernothin' 'ull do you good.'

'Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her po-lite inquiries,Sammy,' replied the old gentleman. 'I think a pipe vould benefitme a good deal. Could I be accommodated, Sammy?'

Here Mrs. Weller let fall some more tears, and Mr. Stiggins groaned.

'Hollo! Here's this unfortunate gen'l'm'n took ill agin,' saidSam, looking round. 'Vere do you feel it now, sir?'

'In the same place, young man,' rejoined Mr. Stiggins, 'in thesame place.'

'Vere may that be, Sir?' inquired Sam, with great outward simplicity.

'In the buzzim, young man,' replied Mr. Stiggins, placing hisumbrella on his waistcoat.

At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly unable tosuppress her feelings, sobbed aloud, and stated her convictionthat the red-nosed man was a saint; whereupon Mr. Weller,senior, ventured to suggest, in an undertone, that he must be therepresentative of the united parishes of St. Simon Without andSt. Walker Within.

'I'm afeered, mum,' said Sam, 'that this here gen'l'm'n, withthe twist in his countenance, feels rather thirsty, with themelancholy spectacle afore him. Is it the case, mum?'

The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a reply; thatgentleman, with many rollings of the eye, clenched his throatwith his right hand, and mimicked the act of swallowing, tointimate that he was athirst.

'I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made him soindeed,' said Mrs. Weller mournfully.

'Wot's your usual tap, sir?' replied Sam.

'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'all tapsis vanities!'

'Too true, too true, indeed,' said Mrs. Weller, murmuring agroan, and shaking her head assentingly.

'Well,' said Sam, 'I des-say they may be, sir; but wich is yourpartickler wanity? Wich wanity do you like the flavour onbest, sir?'

'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'I despisethem all. If,' said Mr. Stiggins--'if there is any one of them lessodious than another, it is the liquor called rum. Warm, my dearyoung friend, with three lumps of sugar to the tumbler.'

'Wery sorry to say, sir,' said Sam, 'that they don't allow thatparticular wanity to be sold in this here establishment.'

'Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate men!' ejaculatedMr. Stiggins. 'Oh, the accursed cruelty of these inhuman persecutors!'

With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his eyes, andrapped his breast with his umbrella; and it is but justice to thereverend gentleman to say, that his indignation appeared veryreal and unfeigned indeed.

After Mrs. Weller and the red-nosed gentleman had commentedon this inhuman usage in a very forcible manner, andhad vented a variety of pious and holy execrations against itsauthors, the latter recommended a bottle of port wine, warmedwith a little water, spice, and sugar, as being grateful to thestomach, and savouring less of vanity than many other compounds.It was accordingly ordered to be prepared, and pendingits preparation the red-nosed man and Mrs. Weller looked at theelder W. and groaned.

'Well, Sammy,' said the gentleman, 'I hope you'll find yourspirits rose by this here lively wisit. Wery cheerful and improvin'conwersation, ain't it, Sammy?'

'You're a reprobate,' replied Sam; 'and I desire you won'taddress no more o' them ungraceful remarks to me.'

So far from being edified by this very proper reply, the elderMr. Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin; and this inexorableconduct causing the lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, androck themselves to and fro on their chairs, in a troubled manner,he furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime, indicativeof a desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaidStiggins, the performance of which, appeared to afford him greatmental relief. The old gentleman very narrowly escaped detectionin one instance; for Mr. Stiggins happening to give a start on thearrival of the negus, brought his head in smart contact with theclenched fist with which Mr. Weller had been describing imaginaryfireworks in the air, within two inches of his ear, for some minutes.

'Wot are you a-reachin' out, your hand for the tumbler in that'ere sawage way for?' said Sam, with great promptitude. 'Don'tyou see you've hit the gen'l'm'n?'

'I didn't go to do it, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in some degreeabashed by the very unexpected occurrence of the incident.

'Try an in'ard application, sir,' said Sam, as the red-nosedgentleman rubbed his head with a rueful visage. 'Wot do youthink o' that, for a go o' wanity, warm, Sir?'

Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his manner wasexpressive. He tasted the contents of the glass which Sam hadplaced in his hand, put his umbrella on the floor, and tasted itagain, passing his hand placidly across his stomach twice orthrice; he then drank the whole at a breath, and smacking hislips, held out the tumbler for more.

Nor was Mrs. Weller behind-hand in doing justice to thecomposition. The good lady began by protesting that she couldn'ttouch a drop--then took a small drop--then a large drop--then a great many drops; and her feelings being of the natureof those substances which are powerfully affected by the applicationof strong waters, she dropped a tear with every dropof negus, and so got on, melting the feelings down, until atlength she had arrived at a very pathetic and decent pitch of misery.

The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and tokens withmany manifestations of disgust, and when, after a second jug ofthe same, Mr. Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner, heplainly evinced his disapprobation of the whole proceedings, bysundry incoherent ramblings of speech, among which frequentangry repetitions of the word 'gammon' were alone distinguishableto the ear.

'I'll tell you wot it is, Samivel, my boy,' whispered the oldgentleman into his son's ear, after a long and steadfastcontemplation of his lady and Mr. Stiggins; 'I think there must besomethin' wrong in your mother-in-law's inside, as vell as in thato' the red-nosed man.'

'Wot do you mean?' said Sam.

'I mean this here, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman, 'thatwot they drink, don't seem no nourishment to 'em; it all turns towarm water, and comes a-pourin' out o' their eyes. 'Pend uponit, Sammy, it's a constitootional infirmity.'

Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with manyconfirmatory frowns and nods; which, Mrs. Weller remarking, andconcluding that they bore some disparaging reference either toherself or to Mr. Stiggins, or to both, was on the point ofbecoming infinitely worse, when Mr. Stiggins, getting on his legsas well as he could, proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse forthe benefit of the company, but more especially of Mr. Samuel,whom he adjured in moving terms to be upon his guard in thatsink of iniquity into which he was cast; to abstain from allhypocrisy and pride of heart; and to take in all things exactpattern and copy by him (Stiggins), in which case he mightcalculate on arriving, sooner or later at the comfortableconclusion, that, like him, he was a most estimable and blamelesscharacter, and that all his acquaintances and friends were hopelesslyabandoned and profligate wretches. Which consideration,he said, could not but afford him the liveliest satisfaction.

Title: The Pickwick Papers
Author: Charles Dickens
Viewed 262660 times

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